Washington—President Trump reassured patriots on Saturday that under his leadership he has obliterated the threat posed to America by the global economy. No leader in history will be remembered more for stamping out the scourge of global growth.
Speaking to reporters while stuck in the toilet door on Air Force One, Trump said, “Many great leaders have tried, have failed, have failed to really even try. I should probably just stop now and call it a success. But I’m going further. People, economics is a scam, it has put many a great leader out of office—that’s why I’m getting rid of the whole thing. Stop working, stop thinking, just go to sleep.”
Trump has put his administration on a mission to end all productive work. He praised Silicon Valley for its supportive efforts by imposing a ban on productivity apps, and said he can now move beyond the pesky human problem. Squirrels have fallen into line and have stopped gathering nuts, and Trump stated ICE will start targeting other industrious worksites such as ant colonies and beehives and deport the workers to Mexico.
We spoke with one supporter of this policy during a nap break, “I used to work two jobs, but this is just a weight off my shoulder. We are finally free of the pressure to do anything. From my perspective, this is liberation—not just from the progressives, but from progress in general. Trump may be tearing the economy apart, but he is unifying Americans—we’re all in this together.”
Markets reacted with a final sigh and were pronounced dead at close of business, with Trump claiming yet another historic victory.