Mar-A-Lago–In a live video address, U.S. President Donald Trump stated he had successful bilateral talks with the moon-sized asteroid that will collide with earth in the coming days. After extensive budget cuts across the U.S. government, it has fallen on the U.S. President–alone–to crack a deal with the asteroid that threatens all life on earth.
“It was just me, President Trump, on the phone hashing out a deal with the asteroid. And let me tell you, if it had been wimpy Biden, he would have left you in a crater and sent a bill for hospice care.
And like everything from the DEI infested government, the threat was overblown. I look up and what do I see? Just a measly pebble in the sky. Plenty of Truth Socialites confirming it’s the size of a penny. Maybe smaller–microscopic even. Scientists are out to scare Americans, but I defend your freedom. It’s a hoax wokepocalypse ladies and gentleman.
The asteroid never faced someone who can negotiate like me. Just like I said in the Art of the Deal, after you make your pitch and there is dead silence, you’ve won–and I always win.
I’ve released an updated edition that provides a minute-by-minute breakdown of my extremely cunning brinkmanship, so you can integrate my bespoke tactics into your very own life. Use discount code TrumpvsAsteroid on Amazon for 10% off.”
Trump went on to sell Deluxe Impact Suite packages at Mar-A-Lago for True Patriots, which included free NFT images of Trump’s face-off with the asteroid.
NASA’s skeleton crew sent numerous public posts on X alerting Americans of the asteroid. One post read, “There’s no negotiating with asteroids dipshit! @realdonaldtrump.” A second post explained NASA’s attempt to raise the alarm with the Pentagon, but a voice message had replaced their usual interlocutors, stating the department had been defunded to protect America against hostile threats from within. ”
NASA also rebuked Trump’s claims the organisation overstated the sheer impact the asteroid will have as it crashes into earth. NASA then posted an explainer video about why distant objects appear smaller, before suspension of the account.
With the asteroid’s impact imminent, Trump has continued to update Truth Social, stating it was a “Fake News Asteroid” and would only hit woke states.