Washington—U.S. President Donald Trump has appointed Andrew Tate for the new position of Secretary of Hustle and Grind. Tate will now lead the Department of Alpha Energies, and has declared feminism a major threat to national security.
Tate has been quick to fire off new policies under his leadership:
- Push-ups are now mandatory for welfare recipients
- Gender studies has been replaced with government funded Onlyfans subscriptions
- Major stimulus payout scheme for de-platformed men
Trump defended his appointment, stating, “Tate and I go way back. Trump University graduate—top of his class. Smart, but not as smart as me. Nobody’s as smart as me. But the guy can fight—real winner, total champ. I’m not allowed to launch this partnership yet, but I am, Trump and Tate University is taking over Harvard, Yale—all of them. Sign up now, discounted rate, very exclusive. ”
With Tate leading the Department of Alpha Energies, Americans can look forward to a future where the unemployed foist online courses on each other in an endless loop hoping to scrape together enough Hustlebucks ™ to afford a Bugatti—or at least a down payment on a select Romanian compound.