Due to a recent SEO update, your toddler’s abs—or lack of—could be the difference between achieving Mumma influencer nirvana or dying alone with 14 cats and a Tinder bio that reads, “Just a mum, no abs, no hope.”
In response to the global obsession with health and wellness, the algorithm now rewards fitness content featuring toddlers with ripped abs. Chunky toddlers have become the new biohazards. Emerging research shows that even a mere glimpse of a jiggly toddler gut can reduce user engagement by 87%. To protect community health, social media platforms are incorporating AI to identify and flag content warnings on double chins, cankles, and waffle-waists. Mumfluencers who once went viral with their chubby bunny sidekicks must now sculpt their physiques like their shredded life coach husbands.
The Scrolletariat spoke to Lana G (@Milfyme#1), who has 10 billion+ followers on TikTok. “I knew I had to act,” she said. “One more photo of my daughter’s bloated belly and my lululemon collab would have completely tanked. So, I did what any Mumfluencer would do. I got a dietitian, a core coach, and implemented a toddler-friendly intermittent fasting protocol. Now she’s got visible obliques, a six-figure sponsorship deal with Protein Pizza™; and best of all, the algorithm says she’s hot enough for my Reels front page.”
With algorithm changes and summer looming, Mums have been cracking the whip—desperate to transform their toddler’s bods into godly bods. In Hampstead Heath this morning, thousands gathered for the UK’s first Toddler HIIT Fest. Mums posed for selfies while their toddlers swung Peppa Pig kettlebells to remixes of Baby Gym Shark by a Cocomelon DJ. Post workout, organizers offered attendees a juice cleanse—with a twist. Out with the apple, carrot, and ginger. Enter Super Juiced ™, the supplements company for kids— and in with 100% anabolic steroids, microdosed for maximal toddler absorption.
Despite growing community support for the morning exercise regime, the local police have confirmed that at least 12 mothers were thrown through the glass windows of the Hampstead Waitrose after disputes over ice cream turned violent. Authorities are now searching for a pack of two-foot-tall HIITlings, with vascular forearms and a Hulk-like rage. Last seen dead lifting a pallet of protein powder at a Waitrose loading dock.
In response, a spokesperson from Super Juiced ™ said, “Toddler rage is a growing concern for the plight of many women across the globe. We get it. You’re proud of your toddler’s gains—but they just tried to shotput their absentee father through a windshield, and you through a Waitrose front window. That’s why we’re launching Mummy Juice™: a therapeutic blend of cortisol, trauma, and revenge. And to top it off, we are also releasing Cannaberry Ice Scream—the perfect mix of THC and blueberry ice cream to quell those little fireballs till morning. Stay strong, ladies. And if you can’t, stay tuned: new and improved supplements are dropping next, just in time for summer.”