San Francisco—Fitness app Strava announced a squadron of attack drones will provide athletes motivational bombing to help them unlock new PRs. The premium feature uses live ammunition to give athletes a competitive edge. Strava said with this watershed innovation, ‘the company has effectively bottled motivation.’
Motivational drones are a result of Strava’s research into athlete performance in secret military bases. Strava’s Head of Motivation said, “As we dug into their public data, we realised soldiers had been absolutely smashing peacetime athletic records. By tapping into primal survival instincts, we can guarantee premium users optimise their athletic potential. Caffeine, creatine, PEDs, can’t do that. Nothing like the fear of death to break a PR.”
Eliud Kipchoge, the world’s fastest marathoner, showcased the drone feature under heavy bombardment in front of a television audience. “Even in my village of Kaptagat, local runners are taking advantage of this new feature. No human is limited, just eliminated.”
Nate Silverton, who trialled the new feature, was gloating, “Hearing bullets pound down around you is way better than coffee. PR or Die, baby!”
Non-premium users will have access to the attack drone feature—however, with limited controls. Toilet stops and flat tyres will result in the drone grabbing the athlete by a grappling hook and flying them back to the starting point and deleting activity data.
Critics noted several instances where AI drones eliminated athletes who did not increase their monthly mileage. Strava refused to comment on the specific cases, whilst noting that 100% of living athletes have achieved substantial performance gains.