LOS ANGELES—Mark Zuckerberg faced intense questioning on Wednesday that left him in a short-circuited loop of authenticity virtue signalling. After a solid start, Zuckerberg’s legal team requested a recess so he could recharge his battery, which they claimed was huge.
Despite extensive media training to sound less robotic, body language experts called Mark Zuckerberg’s portrayal of a human less compelling than Schwarzenegger in The Terminator. Yet despite his stilted delivery, Fox & Friends praised Zuckerberg for sticking to his script and charismatically dazzling the jury with his authentic self.
On the back of Zuckerberg’s lacklustre performance during the 2018 Senate Hearing, Meta has aggressively worked on portraying the CEO as human. The Scrolletariat has obtained a leaked memo which shows Meta prepared Zuckerberg for trial by training him on millions of LinkedIn posts that contained the keyword “authentic.”
During his testimony, Zuckerberg stated, “You’ve just got to be yourself, because everyone else is taken. #OscarWilde. If you’re like me, and you like rating your self-worth against others—start small, then go all in and share your vision with the world. Be the change you want to be. Mahatma Gandhi.”
Pressed on whether Meta was deliberately creating addictive content, Zuckerberg’s answers appeared to be rerouted to the minutes from an internal meeting, “Engagement is power. That was just Meta’s first goosestep towards sustainable AI. Meta is launching a new campaign— Humans Are the New Batteries. Wasted energy, harnessed by Big Tech to address some of the world’s most pressing existential threats—like bunker power-outs. Our users, powering Meta, powering the future.”
Mark Lainard, the plaintiffs’ lawyer, wrapped his cross-examination by posing the question, “Mr Zuckerberg, are you even human?” Zuckerberg locked eyes with his examiner, as if to reveal his authentic self, and replied, “Affirmative.”
Jury members following Zuckerberg’s testimony via Instagram Live have responded enthusiastically to the platform’s coverage. #HumansAreTheNewBatteries has now outstripped organ donations.