New polling data shows the Trump administration is losing its MAGA base after failing to make America target numero uno. We spoke with several MAGA voters who were attempting to jam a siphon hose into a charging port of a CyberTruck to gain their informed geopolitical analysis:
Garth, 24, of East Palestine, Ohio: “Dying for your country is the most patriotic action a man can take. So how am I going to do that when the war is in Iran? Kinda jealous of all them martyrs to be honest.”
Baz, 58, of Scottsdale, AZ: “Trump did some good work destroying the east wing. The papers say it wasted billions, but the symbolism is priceless. But now he’s distracted, I’m not sure he can finish bulldozing the White House.”
Larry, 41, of Oelwein, IA: “I voted for an isolationist president, he needs to bring war back home now—so I can finally settle that boundary dispute with my neighbour.”
Karen, 52, of The Villages, FL: “The CIA funds foreign militias but our very own vigilantes have to start a GoFundMe page to bankroll an insurgency. Until I see MAGA storming the White House debris, America ain’t that great.”
Geoff, a 63-year-old retiree in Newport Beach: “I’ve been postponing having that awkward conversation about letting my Mexican housekeeper go—she’s a real sweetheart. Trump, if you’re listening, I’d really rather outsource this to a group of masked men.”
Lisa, 35, of Kennewick, WA: “I got all excited when I heard him announce he was going to destroy a civilisation. Total let down when I realised he was talking about Iran. Bombing America and consequently my piece of shit ex, would be rejuvenating for our democracy. Also my closure.”
Defence Secretary Pete Hegseth stated that he will re-route warships off the coast of New York if he gets 1000 likes on his next Fox & Friends appearance.