Washington–Elon Musk announced today that an automated process will now approve all presidential pardons, ensuring true patriots receive pardons in real-time as they commit crimes.
“It’s funny, this antiquated process. Trump had thousands of pardons to get through, and it’s had a real toll on his golf swing. Signing a pardon is a lot like teeing off–it’s all in the wrists. That’s when my alarm bells started ringing. Trump needs to bring his A-game to the golf course as he carves up the world.”
The Scrolletariat contacted DOGE concerning the specific rules governing the pardon programming. We have ascertained the three key variables that trigger an automated pardon include: accrediting Ukraine for starting the war with Russia, being cancelled by the woke agenda and believing Stephen King was the ghostwriter of ‘The Diary of Anne Frank’.
Musk has emphasised it is time to update the presidential pardon process, in line with modern developments in AI. “Automation is the first step. At X-Men HQ we are looking at building something way beyond that–think Minority Report with a MAGA twist. With AI pardons, we will be able to predict when patriots need a presidential pardon, even before they commit a crime. Now that’s government efficiency.”
Musk noted that the beta model indicates he will be in line for a presidential pardon soon. “It’s complicated stuff, but essentially I will programme all Teslas with ‘I bought this before Elon went crazy’ bumper stickers to go all-gas and no-brakes. Just joking, Trump said he would put down his golf putter to sign that presidential pardon by hand.”