Beijing—President Xi Jinping announced today that China will offer the US free NARCAN, a lifesaving medication for opioid overdose, if fentanyl precursors remain tariff free.
A spokesperson for the People’s Republic of China said, “With D.O.G.E.’s (Department of Government Entropy) having successfully dismantled the American health care system, we are showing President Trump that free trade with China can save the very lives it destroys.”
The pact forms part of a broader strategy Chinese officials are calling “fish monger liquidation”—an aggressive attempt to offload toxic stockpiles before the global market closes its doors for good.
In an attempt to woo President Trump specifically, China is also throwing in a bundle of executive perks for the most whinging geriatric in assisted luxury. Items include:
- golden golf clubs engraved with The Art of the Deal
- automated tanning booths, with bespoke shades hand-selected by President Xi
- a signed first edition of Building the Great Wall, for Dummies
Meanwhile, average Americans will receive a survival kit that will keep them alive long enough to witness the carnage they voted for. Items include:
- free N-52 masks (embroidered with the phrase MAWAhahaha, I’m crying…)
- toilet paper printed edition of The Art of the Deal, now in double ply so that bullshit sticks
- door reinforcement systems, rated to withstand light civil unrest
In a televised address to the world, President Xi issued an ominous warning: “We are giving President Trump the deal of the century. Should he refuse, we will release Kung Flu 2: Wuhan’s Revenge—starring me, President Xi as myself. Free vaccines will be available to all Americans after completing the mandatory TikTok challenge “Dance Like a Dictator”. President Trump —you’ll get your dose right after we see you dance.”