As Trump shocked the world with his Liberation Day tariffs, Humanify, a humanitarian charity, announced its pivot from mosquito nets to creating the world’s first AI father figures for deranged billionaire demagogues. Naturally, Trump placed first—by acing a test he claimed 99.9% of people would fail.
In a press release on Wednesday 3 April, Humanify stated that, “Our mission hasn’t changed, just our modus operandi. Scaling fatherly affection is the path to global harmony and away from planetary collapse.”
Humanify is now on a mission to create Emo-Tech for high-risk individuals. Their recently patented man-baby identification machine has also shortlisted Elon Musk, and an entire army of emotionally stunted piss-ant tech-bros currently infesting Silicon Valley.
Operation Big Boy: Therapy, Tactics and TikTok
It was when Humanify encountered a roadblock at the implementation phase that the partnership with MI6 emerged. A former MI6 officer who worked on what was dubbed “Operation Big Boy” said internal differences over delivery methods almost collapsed the mission.
“I was involved in the early stages. Humanify started with subliminal messages on FOX news and had Siri whispering her mantra, “you’re enough, take it easy.” Then one of our guys had the idea to dose Trump with psilocybin and lock him in a sensory chamber with his AI Dad and live stream the results on TikTok. It would have been therapy not only for Trump, but the whole world. We were aiming for a spiritual awakening, but our plan completely backfired.”
When AI Therapy Goes Sentient
As Humanify’s AI avatar was advancing at an exponential rate, it was during the actual therapy session that the avatar tipped over into being a truly sentient being. Initially designed for sunrise jogs and soothing affirmations, the avatar instead pinned Trump to the ground while mock-narrating a bloopers reel of Trump’s childhood humiliations. The emotional heat generated by the AI Dad during the session was so intense that it ultimately malfunctioned, leaving Trump stuck in a choke hold.
It was Trump’s signature bronzer that melted into a Vaseline-like slick that let him slip free of his AI Dad’s pincer grip like a jellied eel. Trump eventually found his escape by crawling through a 30 metre sewage pipe in the sensory chamber floor. Emerging wrinkled, pink and squealing, he was shot in the rump by a farmer protecting his flock from what he described as, “a rabid pig in a MAGA hat” that had fallen in the slurry lagoon. It was only when the farmer locked eyes with the beast’s dumbfounded stare did he realise he had shot the 45th President of the United States. A White House insider has indicated Trump intends to slap a 300% tariff on all public expressions of paternal compassion and all men discussing their feelings online.