The Scrolletariat is a Silicon Valley-funded creative agency dedicated to worshipping a misspent life on screens. As we say at The Scrolletariat bunker, why optimise your own life when you could scroll through better ones—from the comfort of your own demise?
Previously, The Scrolletariat had 250+ staff, with influencers posted in every country and planet in our solar system. But since the advent of AI, we put their overpaid asses—and glasses—through the meat grinder and fed them to our hungry AI gods. May they scroll for eternity in the cloud.
All that remains of The Scrolletariat is Señor Scrolletaire, Redacteur-in-Chief, and his robo companion Barkatronix 3000. Together they have cobbled together enough seed funding from venture capitalists to bunker down for humanity’s great leap forward—into infinite scrolling.
Our mission
- Maximise User Stagnation while optimising yearly output of Scrollable Products.
- Achieve Universal Scrolling among under-threes, and expand access for other vulnerable groups, such as embryos and amputees, via AR.
- Counter the Disinformation War on Scrolling by promoting AI-generated research that highlights the therapeutic benefits of a cheeky doomscroll.
What our readers are saying
This asshole didn’t pay—I refuse to write a positive fake review.
-Audrey-
Yes, they keep me in a padded room in the bunker’s cellar—but at least I have my phone back. If you are reading this, I still exist. Tell Mum and Dad I’m sorry.
-Sam-
Can’t talk, scrolling.
-Ken-
My scrolling productivity has been through the roof since I graduated from The Scrolletariat’s Masterclass in Algorithmic Submission. My digitorum superficialis is so enduro-jacked right now. Pure bliss flow.
-Delphin (paid endorsement)-
Milestones
- Converted over 4 billion free-thinking individuals to The Scrolletariat since the launch of the iPhone.
- Funded Silicon Valley’s escape parachute.
- Provided soft landing for users encountering planned obsolescence.
- Launched From Mattress to Grave™—a free scrolling service for when in limbo.
- Trained Barkatronix 3000 on 250 fired journalists. Some remain conscious—that’s the neural zest that gives The Scrolletariat its bite.
Scroll like no one’s watching
FAQs
Q: How can I scroll more?
A: Sign up for our free MasterClass on Algorithmic Submission.
Q: What happens when I get to the bottom?
A: Congratulations, you did it! That was your life.
Q: Can I earn a passive income scrolling?
A: Competitive scrolling is an elite sport that requires dedication, genetics, and our MasterClass.
Q: If I scroll faster, will I forget my horrible ex?
A: That is the only proven method to overcome heartbreak.
Q: Is life passing me by when I scroll?
A: Does a rock ask the river to stop? Does the river ask the rock to flow? Exactly.
Q: What am I to do with this new knowledge?
A: Put your feet up, recline, recline, recline—outside is no longer a word.