10 Reasons You Can Have A Phone But Your Stupid Daughter Can’t

Aug 26, 2025 | Lifestyle

  1. You read Jonathan Haidt’s Anxious Generation and are obviously really smart and deserve many more pats on the back than one article can offer.
  2. You attended his lecture and didn’t look at your phone, not even once.
  3. She’d stay home with the babysitter and snort TikTok all night—-probably.
  4. You use your phone for adult things—like paying taxes. Not to cheat on your wife and wire cash to your Onlyfans girlfriend.
  5. Your daughter is just too beautiful, and selfies don’t do her justice.
  6. She’d think MrBeast is a modern-day saint.
  7. But you read the news, and your insights in group chats are walking us back from nuclear Armageddon, one message at a time.
  8. Unlike you, she would need guardrails to prevent her from reposting AI slop.
  9. You only doomscroll ‘chance of bomb dropping’ when you are on the toilet—like a responsible adult.
  10. She doesn’t need to learn IT skills, you already lined up her future-proof job—changing your old-man diapers.