A landmark study from Oxford’s School of Appliance Psychology and Household Dynamics confirmed that the final person to load a dishwasher consistently displayed superior technique, judgement—and moral clarity.
Dr Inastupor said, “The results confirm the hypothesis and data I had collected in my personal life. Call it a hunch, but I was always finding far more remarkable methods to stack a dishwasher—and it turns out my wife is not the only one who can’t hack constructive criticism.”
The study design included five participants per group, to mimic an average household. Participants were then split into four pre stackers and one final stacker. Each pre stacker was blindfolded and armed with seven objects, including samurai-grade kitchen knives. In contrast, the final stacker was provided 20/20 vision, one yerba maté gourd—and infinite moral authority.
In every study group, the final stacker was able to critique the stacking strategy of the previous four participants, and crucially offered useful feedback whilst also finding space to squeeze in their maté gourd and Jupiter-sized ego. In addition, they went beyond the task demands—bandaging other participants and re-rinsing blood-stained plates
Dr Inastupor said, “It’s remarkable how unified the results were across country, gender, age and religion. It suggests that final stackers demonstrate profound leadership qualities, and the world would be in better shape across all known and unknown benchmarks if beta-stackers would just swallow their pride and accept their methodological inferiority. In addition, the Alpha stackers were the only participants to not cry throughout the stacking process.”
The study suggests that if more people used the Alpha stacking method for dishwashers, the climate crisis would be solved and global household tensions would subside—it all hinges on following the Alpha’s advice.
Dr Inastupor summarised the study’s findings, “In the end, participants drinking yerba maté via a gourd demonstrate a heightened propensity to become loquacious when in the vicinity of ceramic objects. This is the very type of person who spends the least time in the kitchen, yet critiques the best—and that’s textbook Alpha.”