Washington DC—Elon Musk tendered his resignation today as Chief Vulture for DOGE (Department of Gutting Everything). Self-appointed for the task of stripping the remaining morsels of fat from the carcass formerly known as the US government, Musk may have met his match with the US healthcare system. Interviewed on FOX News with chipped teeth and sunken cheeks after sleeping under his bed again, he told the audience he was surviving solely on Siri’s pre-programmed affirmation: “You’re a visionary, Elon.”
“At the beginning of the Great Gutting (right hand on chest, ‘Huzzah!’), DOGE bandits had a bounty. But times got tough as we focused on health. DOGE has moved past the fat, we’re into the marrow phase.” Musk’s fever dream eyes lit up for a moment, “but DOGE boyz be grinders.”
Musk rose to dominance by choke-holding thousands of workers to fund his billionaire aspirations of shooting his payload into orbit. However, the trivial task of gutting healthcare stupefied the first man to catch a rocket one-handed.
Yet Elon’s downfall came not from the opposition, but from within his own ranks. The young contractors, affectionately known as “vulturlings”—lacked the hardened beaks of a predator that rose to prominence during apartheid. Apparently only one candidate matched the job description of reaping the “black gold of the dead.”
The Scrolletariat found that DOGE contractors, despite cutting billions from the US government, were paid below minimum wage and had no healthcare insurance. With beaks splintering, the majority of DOGE contractors have been removed from front-line duties.
Once commonly sighted circling bloated bureaucracies with his swarm of vulturlings, in recent weeks Musk has been spotted crestfallen, sucking on used needles outside DC injection clinics muttering to himself about the virtues of upcycling.
Meanwhile, on Truth Social, Trump weighed in, calling Musk’s resignation “a giant leap forward”.
“With Elon off playing Martians again, I’m the new Chief Vulture. Always was, actually. I’ve been plundering things since the 80s—New York, casinos, marriages, starving African children–now Palestinians. You name it. Healthcare? Please…”
“From now on, there is no insurance, just hardworking vibes. For the snowflakes, we’ve got a health care plan for you. We’ll beam you up to Elon, RFK Jr. & Friends to do some freaky science with their “Nothing-To-See-Here Totally Boring Company.”
“Next Surgeon General: Ivanka.
CREDENDIALS!
No one’s clocked more years under the knife.
Boom—folks, that’s how you solve a health crisis.
DELEGATION is LEADERSHIP.
Make American Beautiful Again!”
Scrolletariat sources confirm that all un-probed carcasses will be repurposed to build Trump’s “Great Wall of Triumph.”